There's no point in convincing myself that I don't care because in reality, I do care so much.
I can lie to many people but, sadly, I cannot lie to myself. Myself knows me so much; more than my family and close friends, if there are any, I should say. No matter how much I try to hide and suppress what I truly feel, myself can still detect that I'm just faking it. As a result, I, for one, look down at myself, too. And oftentimes, I experience self-pity. Many people thought that I was lucky and blessed graduating high school with honors; I actually thought so, too, but only at first. I was living the moment then -- flattering myself by other people's compliments and praises, overwhelming myself by the privileges that some college schools offered me, and having that strong self-confidence that I never ever had before. However, along with that was the intense pressure I felt brought about by the thought that many people are expecting so much from me. Whenever I hear previous graduates from my alma mater graduating college with honors, I cannot help but envy them because I know very well that my chances for that are minimal already. Also, I'm afraid that they might compare me with them. This is also one of the reasons why I don't usually hangout with my high school friends and visit my alma mater whenever I'm at the province. It's way too embarrassing on my part. I feel so useless and think that I'm such a huge disappointment. I feel degraded actually. But then again, no matter how much I try to deny it, myself never fails to slap me on the face and say, "Who are you trying to fool?"
