25 Truths

*Grabbed from Facebook*

1. Many people say that I'm OC, so maybe I'm OC nga. I'm very particular about the organization of things. I want things to happen as planned or in order. Otherwise, it irritates and bothers me. And sige, I'm kind of a neat-freak na rin. I actually have an alcohol, tissue, and oil remover inside my sling bag.

2. I over-think most of the time. Oftentimes, it gets me into trouble because of misinterpreting things. And because I over-analyze situations, I usually end up frustrated and depressed.

3. I'm very seloso. As in very. I do not usually make it obvious though.

4. I used to be overly grade conscious. It was like my elementary and high school life revolved around getting high grades and maintaining my rank in class only. There were also instances when I could not help but cry because of having really bad scores. I get frustrated easily that's why. But not anymore in college. Yes, I still care about my grades, but it's alright for me to get average scores as long as I'm pressure-free as much as possible and I still pass. Kind of mediocre really, but I guess I'm too tired and fed up of studying too much already.

5. I'm passive ever since I started studying. I usually decline when my classmates decide to make me the leader. I have very minimal skills for that kasi eh. And isa pa, I think that their ideas are better than mine. But when I have something to suggest (and when I think that my idea is finally better than theirs), I speak it out.

6. I'm not an artistic person. I prefer simple and plain designs (and I find them neat to look at din kasi).

7. I would like to believe that I have a nice penmanship. From Grade 3 to Grade 6, hindi mawawala ang Best in Writing sa mga awards ko. I'm OC din when it comes to my penmanship. I want it to be aligned well and consistent dapat ang size.

8. When I was a kid, I used to pretend as a doctor. But when I found out that it's a lengthy process to become one, I had second thoughts na. That's why I wanted to take up Mass Comm na when I was in 4th year since I was into journalism naman din, but I ended up with Nursing anyway.

9. I once became a choir member. I was in 2nd year high school then. That was my first time to sing on stage, and I still could not believe that I was able to do that. I quit after a year because we were required to focus on at least two school orgs lang daw, so I decided to prioritize dancing and writing nalang.

10. I was OC with my hair when I was in elementary. I get mad when my classmates ruin my hair, even if by accident lang. But not anymore when I reached high school.

11. Many see me as maldito and snob. Honestly, I'm never good in making friends. Ask my friends and they will tell you na sila ang unang umapproach sa akin. I'm outgoing and talkative once you get to know me well. Usually kasi, nakikiramdam muna ako sa personality and attitude ng person that's why I'm silent at the beginning. And sorry about my eyes. Hindi ako nang-iirap, ganyan lang talaga ako tumingin sa tao.

12. Believe me, I have a big appetite. But I don't get fat. Boo!

13. Volleyball has been my sport since elementary. I play badminton, too, but not as much as volleyball.

14. When I get LSS, I usually play the song for the entire day. Minsan pa nga, days! I just love listening to RnBs and acoustics.

15. Hate That I Love You by Neyo and Rihanna has been my fave song since 3rd year high school.

16. So here's the thing, when I was in elementary, my mom used to scold me whenever I made mistakes in writing - be it copying a wrong word or just a simple misalignment - for projects.

17. I'm nearsighted. (175:150, L:R)

18. I love eating Pik-Nik! And anything na fried potato chips.

19. I hate cockroaches, especially if they're flying!

20. I didn't take the entrance exams of UP, Ateneo, La Salle, and UST because I knew that I was going to take up Nursing anyway. So, Xavier ang sinure ko i-take.

21. I used to go home during long weekends. But when I became a volleyball varsity of our college and started training already, naenganyo nako mag-stay here in Cagayan. Na-overpower ng volleyball ang desire ko umuwi ng province.

22. I usually make blog entries at night. Hindi kasi ako makapag-isip nang matino kung morning. And may "senti" feeling din kasi at night. Contemplation kumbaga.

23. I'm very impatient. Well, depende sa situation, but mostly, impatient talaga ako.

24. When I become too stressed out, I talk to myself.

25. My current motto in life: "Keep your head high. Keep your heart strong."

Where Did The Good Times Go?

Time flies by so quickly. So quickly that you cannot even notice that it has gone by already. Add to that the saying, "Change is the only permanent thing in the world." What happens when you combine both? Well, I really do not know, but you will either like it or hate it. As for me, I'm more on the latter. I believe that almost everything in my life has changed drastically - most were even unexpected and unimaginable. I terribly miss how things used to be.

I wish to have the power to stop things [and even people perhaps] from changing. It is sad that we can only accept and deal with these changes that are constantly happening in our lives. But as they say, "Life must go on."

P.S. Sorry for reposting this. I accidentally deleted the original entry. (8/10/12)

The Not-so-Sweet Dreams

Before anything else, I would like to clarify this: Is a bangungot called a nightmare in English? I'm uncertain, that's why. And I think that a bangungot is worse than a nightmare (if ever they are not similar) because a  nightmare for me is just plainly having bad dreams while a bangungot has this fighting-for-your-life feeling. I really do not know. Sorry.

Anyway, I usually do not experience having bangungots (Oh di ba, talagang kinonsider ko na different ang bangungot sa nightmare.). In fact, I had my very first bangungot, I believe so, last June this year. Of course, it was my first time so I got very paranoid and frightened then. And a day prior to that, my dutymates and I were sharing stories about bangungots. I got scared actually, so I think it was one of the precipitating factors why I'm having bangungots right now. Thank you, guys. Haha.

Weird but I only experience having a bangungot once a month, I just do not know yet for this month. Also, it usually happens when the month is about to end. But surprisingly, it happened earlier than expected this month (as in I just had one right now). So far, I would have to say that my second experience was the worst. It took me several attempts of waking up before I finally did. As in several. There were instances when I thought that I was awake already, but I was wrong. It was also during that time when I remembered that trying to move your big toe could help overcome a bangungot.

I'm not sure though if this applies  to other people who also experience bangungots, but I actually feel an aura before having it. I just do not know how to explain it precisely though. But seriously, having a bangungot gives me some of the worst feelings ever. During the bangungot, I feel paralyzed and helpless. I have this strong urge to open my eyes and move my body parts and scream for help but I simply cannot do so. It's like my soul's separating from my body already. Creepy, I know.

I think what bothers me most about having episodes of bangungots is the thought of failing to wake up. I'm worried that maybe one day my body will eventually get tired of trying to wake up. But I do believe that it will only happen if I do not have the reason to wake up anymore (char, segue).

Sleep well, guys.

A Diary of A Weakling

Sometimes, I hate myself more than they [the people who hate me] do. I cannot get hold of my emotions well. There are just certain times wherein I just have to let it all out - regardless of whatever the outcome will be. I just have to or else those emotions will continue haunting me. Those emotions bother me: I feel uneasy and anxious; I even reach the point of staring into nothingness. Nevertheless, I try my best to hide what I truly feel. I don't want to involve other people, especially my friends. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want to interfere with their seemingly happy lives. Most of all, I don't want to ruin any form of relationships. After all, I'm used to this kind of feeling already. But I'm just quite unsure though if I could handle this well. I hope to overcome this soon.

For Today Was Just Another Day

Another day flew away.

Another day overpowered by sadness.

Another day filled with regrets.

Another day disappointed by expectations.

Another day filled with worries.

Another day ruined by frustrations.

Another day killed by heartaches.

Another day that revealed weakness.

Another day put into waste.

Another day that brought a brand new pain.

Nothing was surprising,

For today was just another day.

Beyond The Lines

Random thoughts for today:

Sticks and stones.

The addictive mist of misery.

Deep blue sea.

Needle prick, paper cut, skin abrasion.

Two-faced King of Hearts.

The great pretender.

Monalisa's mysterious smile.

Day 10 onwards.

Paranoia, ideas of reference.
Low serotonin level.

The unheard sorrow.
The unnoticed beggar.

Win some, lose many.

The Paranoid Self

There's no point in convincing myself that I don't care because in reality, I do care so much.

I can lie to many people but, sadly, I cannot lie to myself. Myself knows me so much; more than my family and close friends, if there are any, I should say. No matter how much I try to hide and suppress what I truly feel, myself can still detect that I'm just faking it. As a result, I, for one, look down at myself, too. And oftentimes, I experience self-pity. Many people thought that I was lucky and blessed graduating high school with honors; I actually thought so, too, but only at first. I was living the moment then -- flattering myself by other people's compliments and praises, overwhelming myself by the privileges that some college schools offered me, and having that strong self-confidence that I never ever had before. However, along with that was the intense pressure I felt brought about by the thought that many people are expecting so much from me. Whenever I hear previous graduates from my alma mater graduating college with honors, I cannot help but envy them because I know very well that my chances for that are minimal already. Also, I'm afraid that they might compare me with them. This is also one of the reasons why I don't usually hangout with my high school friends and visit my alma mater whenever I'm at the province. It's way too embarrassing on my part. I feel so useless and think that I'm such a huge disappointment. I feel degraded actually. But then again, no matter how much I try to deny it, myself never fails to slap me on the face and say, "Who are you trying to fool?"